Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Mentally Insane

Sometimes, late at night I'll find myself perusing old photo caches I've made of all the photos I've ever taken. (File management people!) I'll usually come across a photo I like (amidst the bajillions that I absolutely hate, photographers, you know how it is) and I'll edit it, usually in a state where I am dreaming about what I am doing as I do it, and then I'll wake up again and keep editing.

I've always been trying to discover a different me; a personality that I can only find on the verge of falling asleep, where my mind is shutting down and letting everything out. It's an extremely weird thing, nothing spiritual or anything, just psychological. (Or psycho.) In the end I usually fall asleep and forget everything that happened and end up with random things like this photo, half edited and completely different from the other photos that I've edited in the series, but from it I can gleam certain information about my subconscious.

I've written in journals and tried to write as long as I could before I just fell asleep on the paper and pen, hoping to forget that brief moment when you make that jump from the world to inside your head. Reading it back can answer an amazing number of things. What I truly care about, for instance, or why I did a certain thing. I'll hear songs that have never been written, as though they're playing from speakers, very loud, and very clear. Those are the hardest to capture. I'll have to try to mix a song like this sometime.

It's very difficult, and I am approaching it now. It's hard to keep your concentration, for instance, I just spent a good ten minutes explaining to a friend in an imaginary situation why I believe God made the world in literally seven days as opposed to seven "God" days, meaning millions of years. These tangents, I believe, are part of a dream, as though I am explaining it to someone in a dream. Are dreams really that intelligent? How can I create all the instruments in a song as I write it in my head in real time and "audibly" hear it? I feel like my brain is fed up with thinking about bills and school and making my body move, so it focuses all of its power on creating, and this is where I go when I lack creativity.

All in all, this is highly experimental, and I'm probably just rambling about it because I'm almost at that point right now. Don't try this with things like math, or problem solving, or figuring out what to get your girlfriend for her birthday, because she actually doesn't want a green frosty covered with snowflakes. (She must be crazy, cause that sounds awesome right now.)

Monday, September 28, 2009

Cigarettes and Coffee

This place remains empty
I am its only friend
I shift among the stillness
Careful to not wake the silence.

Shh, don’t stop
This sea of calm

The rigid cold air is taken by sunlight
When it looks from the east
It rides on warmth
It feeds on the dark

Look now
It paints itself

My eyes are inevitably drifting back
To where they have longed to be
All morning
The steam swirls up from my coffee

Like smoke
From a chimney

My grandfather, with his cigarette, sat on the front porch
The light from his stained glass windows
Would splash rainbows on the floor
And he raised his carpenter hand to his mouth

Delicate wisps of smoke
Danced in the early light

Friday, September 18, 2009

I don't know French

     Tonight my dad came to town, and as always he took me to dinner. This time we went to an especially minimalist restaurant with a lovely atmosphere with nicely dressed people. Of course, I'm wearing my v-neck and cardigan, complete with jeans and slip on shoes. I pretend I'm Bob Dylan when I'm at fancy restaurants. I do thoroughly enjoy my food, and this place was really good, but I never feel as though I deserve to eat there. I don't really think many people deserve to eat there. What the qualifications are to deserve eating there, I have no idea. I suppose people take things for granted much too often.

Kelly left me for San Diego for the weekend. I don't blame her. I'm still trying to figure out a good thing to use this blog for. Maybe I'll review something. Actually, since I just found out how to do this, I can use bullet points to list off the things I might try with this blog. These are listed in the least likely to the most likely. Please vote on the following;

  • Steve Xavier's Fashion Photography blog
  • Steve Xavier's Audio Engineering blog (bleh, that sounds boring unless you're a nerd like me.)
  • Tips and tricks in the world of Photography
  • Tips and tricks in the world of Producing/Engineering
Seems like it's either Photography or Music production, and the tips and tricks definitely sound like fun. Photography I am definitely more knowledgeable about, but I'm constantly learning about music production.

Anyway, those are just a few thoughts before I pass out on my couch next to the five or six empty cups of coffee. I need to change that stupid picture of me.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

"Let the great experiment begin!"

Here we go. Off on a theme that I randomly thought up when I had to choose a blog title. I'm not sure why I made this, but I'll give a little shout-out to Ashley Moe for telling me to do it.

I keep typing things and then deleting them. I think I'll go to sleep.

In the meantime, entertain yourself here. www.flickr.com/stevexavier

and if you're in the mood for food, www.thisiswhyyourefat.com