Monday, October 12, 2009

Um, you lost me.

I've always told myself that I do things for myself. Most of the things I do. I'd say 90% of the things I do are for myself. I mean things like work, studying, art things, blogs, (yeah right) but 10% of the time, or usually more, I've got someone in particular that I'm actually writing to. Yes, this blog is to the masses, but it's for an individual as well. I'm not saying it's directed at that person, but I'm thinking about them reading it, and what they'll think.

I suppose that's my way of criticizing myself. Or maybe I'm paranoid. I once asked my friend Evan if he thought about people ever reading his journal when he was writing in it. He said no. I've never felt that. I've never once written something without concealing what I could have secretly said to myself. Is this an ongoing editing process in my mind, censoring out the things I don't want anyone to know? Am I a product of the criticism that I assign to imaginary personalities posing as people that I know?

I was thinking today about who I want to be. The person I want to be is different than who I am. How did I turn out to be who I am? Perhaps I am who I am because I am trying to be someone else all the time, and in that molding I have shaped a personality that is different. Who knows what Bob Dylan was thinking when he wrote songs. If someone who wants to be him knew those thoughts, and thought them as well, would they write songs like Bob Dylan? I find that highly unlikely. I also thought today, what if someone wanted to be like me, what would they turn out like? A selfish thought, I'll admit that, but it's interesting to take the qualities of your outward appearance and try to give them meaning by means other than yourself.

In the end, what it boils down to is this; the thoughts in our heads are ours to keep, ours to try out first. No one can take that away from us. If you don't want them stolen, keep them a secret. I keep those secrets. How I operate is a secret. It's going to be hard enough finding a job without another me applying everywhere. So, what you should gleam from all of this is that you should hold on to your own thoughts, and don't follow to closely behind others or you'll lose yourself.

My thoughts are all over the place. Anywhere but the 200 series Pro Tools certification studying....

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